So here it is...No Hype, No Gloss, No Pretense....Just Me.......

Crossposted to kimbersbabyblog .

First ultrasound pic. Not a very good one, they dont scan all that well and since it was just a normal ultrasound its all grayscale, but you can see his little mouth and nose and head and tummy and stuff. I do insist on calling bebe a HIM until my second ultrasound confirms otherwise, and so, without firther adieu, the first pics of what will hopefully be a baby Dexter. Of course, click to make bigger. :)

Grief is a long process. And normally I take the time to say goodbye. This time I have not allowed myself that luxury. But i believe that time has come, no matter how much I want to hold onto hope, and no matter how much i think that saying goodbye means that he really *is* gone. So, here goes.,

Little Weiner Dog of Doom,

I know that some of this will be hard to understand, since you are german and your english always was a bit rusty, but some things need to be said, despite human/weiner dog language barriers.

Losing you has been tough, my friend. I know that dogs do not outlive us, and we always have to say goodbye before we are ready, but Mister Man, I never expected it to be quite this soon. I know that you were starting to grey, and that I called you my old man sometimes, but I thought we had a few good years left, and well, I want ready to let go just yet. I suppose us humans never really are.

You were special from the moment I brought you home. You knew we were your forever home, and that you wouldnt be shuffled from place to place again. You knew you were safe and loved, and that there would always be food, a warm bed to burrow into, and imaginary couch badgers for you to stalk. And you had your little girl......the little girl that loved you more than I have ever known a girl to love a dog, the little girl that called you her best friend, her baby...the one whose eyes lit up when she saw you. Her love for you was so pure, and you loved her back in a way that I have never seen a weiner dog do with a child. You two were meant to be a pair ya know.

You were there for everyone that knew you. You made us all laugh, you made us all warm and fuzzy inside, and you were kind and patient and loving. You were everything anyone could have asked for in a dog, and I cannot thank you enough for finding and choosing us.

I miss you, my friend. I will miss you forever. I wish that I could go back and change things for you. I wish that you hadnt found that hole in the fence, and decided that we needed to be protected from the weird other dogs. I cannot change it, friend, but I wish that I could.

I know that you are safe and happy on the rainbow bridge, and I hope that Fee is being nice to you. Rest assured that we will meet again someday, friend. It may be awhile, but we will see each other again. And your little girl? I promise to take care of her for you, and know that she carries you in her heart, with her always. Your brother and sister miss you as well ; Max lays on your chosen comforter and waits for you to peek your head out, and Marleigh is openly mourning. You touched us all, Indy. That's not something that any of us will soon forget.

Keep your head up, Indy. And when you run the Indy 500 through the green fields of the Rainbow Bridge, send a bark my way. I will be thinking of you always.

Thank you for everything. Goodbye, my friend. Goodbye.

It has been a tough weekend here. It is hard enough to be pregnant, but even harder when tragedy strikes.

On Friday night we let out dogs out to go potty. Our house backs up to a pretty big arroyo, and during the fall, coyotes come down and terrorize the neighborhood. Normally we are certain that our babies are safe, and take all sorts of precautions to fill in all holes near the fence, etc. But Friday night, we missed one. Indiana, our little mini doxie, was outside maybe 2 minutes before he squirmed under the fence and was out int the arroyo, What he knew that we didnt, was that a family of coyotes was in the arroyo, just waiting. Indiana has never known what fear is; brave to the point of stupid at times. He ran into that arroyo and right at them. By them time we made it over the fence to get him, it was too late. A large female had him. I shined a flashlight on her and she dropped him, but immediately picked him back up. Max and Marleigh tried desperately to get out of the yard and to save their brother, but they couldnt. Brian was already over the fence and into the arroyo, and i grabbed the car and went to head them off at the street. I pulled into the arroyo, barefoot with the car running, and saw the female. I remember running at her and screaming at her to give me my dog. But I knew when she had him the first time that he was already dead. I just wasnt giving up. I went back home for more flashlights, and Brian kept chasing. I grabbed Marleigh, since she is a 110lb beast and has protected me from coyotes before, and went back to look for them. Caughte up with B, and he grabbed Marleigh, who was already on their scent. She took Brian right to them.....a pack of 4 large adults, and they had my dog.....and were tearing him apart. At that point all we could do was give up and go home. Now I had to tell my 8 year old autistic daughter that the dog that had been her constant companion for almost 7 years was gone.

She cried, I cried, we all cried. I was (and still am) angry at myself for letting him outiside. Granted he had to pee, but had I just kept him in he would still be here. We called Animal Control and they came out and set traps. They found lots of blood, but never recovered Indy's body, or even his collar. They told us that they wished the could do more, but that the animal activists had stirred up enough shit that all they can do is trap the coyotes and release them further out, where they just turn around and head right back to my neighborhood. Last year a large female came right up into the street and snatched a pug right off of its leash. Several cats have been taken and eaten. Yet the animal activists are more worried about fair treatment of the disease carrying predators that are coming into my neighborhood and taking pets, and scaring children.

They did tell us that if the coyotes come back near my home and we feel that our child or our pets are in danger we can shoot to kill. And trust me, I plan on it.

Indy wasn't just a pet. He was my daughter's best friend and constant companion. He was a source of pure joy for her, and many tears were shed into that glossy black fur, and he kissed them all away, and made her better. He listened to her, and gave her so much joy and understanding. It is said that autistic kids and animals have a connection. Indy and Kalli had that connection. His friendship, unconditional love and devotion to her was invaluable.

Her therapist recommended that we get her another dog sooner rather than later, so that she has a new friends, doesnt feel alone, and can channel her grief into something positive. Yesterday we went to the shelter, and she feel in love with a chihuahua mix dog they called Wayne. He saw her, she saw him, and it was the same spark that we saw when she met Indy for the first time. The dog was a sweet little thing, and he was lovely with me and Brian, but he had eyes for that little girl.......when she walked away, even though B and I were still there with him, he cried out for her. It was like he knew that she needed him, and he needed her too. He is white and cream colored, and looks like a big deer chihuahua. Mixed breed, but not sure what he is mixed with. The only thing that matters is that he is a friend to my little girl, and helps to heal her broken heart. She often called Indy her baby, and I have always dreaded the day that something happened to him. It came too soon, but Kalli has been brave, even though she misses him terribly.  That first night was hell for her, and we had to medicate her to get her through it. Now she is still sad and missing her friend, but she is looking forward to the arrival of her new friend. She knows he is not Indy, and that Indy cannot be replaced, but she also knows that the new dog will love her just as much, and she feels that it is important for her to have her own dog and best friend. I tend to agree.

I am terribly torn up over Indy's death. I cry alot, and I keep hoping to see his face at the door. I blame myself for his death, and only time will heal those wounds. I can only hope that he is safe and happy at the rainbow bridge, and surrounded by love and friends and all the teriyaki beef jerky he can eat.

RIP my friend. You will be missed more than words can express,

Indiana, Weiner Dog of Doom
February 2002 - November 2009

Hi folks! This is my journal. ANd here, i can say whatever the fuck I want to. You dont have to like it. Hey, your journals are yours, and you can say whatever YOU want, but dont expect others to not do the same.

Sorry. Someone left a comment on a friend's journal that really chapped my ass. This friend is a very sweet girl, a good person, and tries her best. But sometimes she has to blow off some steam, and I feel that she should be allowed to do that on her own journal. For someone who doesnt possess all the facts to go in there and give her a little lecture was too much for me. It really triggered me, and I have no filter, so of course I responded to the offending comment. I hope my friend forgives me for it. I was just feeling protective, and I felt that she had been wronged.

Started a blog for the baby and pregnancy related things. If you would like to add it, you can find it at kimbersbabyblog .

Ya know, LJ is funny. We go through and make friends, and sometimes those friendships can seem to be real. In some cases, I have found that they are very one sided, and once I stop being there for every last whine, bitch and moan, those people tend to go away.  I'm a fairly busy person. And I have a life outside of the internet. Im not always available for phone chats, and Im certainly not 100% focused on sex, and that also seems to put some people off. Like once they realize I dont live my life through my vagina I am no longer interesting or worthwhile.

What prompted THIS rant:? Well, 1, I am pregnant and hormonal. So I have no filter, and if i have a freaking issue, it comes out here, whether the subject of my ranting likes it or not; and 2, I actually looked at my friends list, and noticed that someone that I was previously close to has decided not to read me anymore. This probably shouldnt bother me, but it does,.  It's been awhile since we talked, yes, but LJ isnt a big deal, so I didnt think that it would end up as a "im not gonna be your LJ friend anymore" kinda thing. I suppose my lack o9f cybersex, phone sex, and low tolerance for self indulgent whining and constant back patting and hand holding was a bad thing in this instance. Cant just be friends like normal people now can we? Noooooo if there isnt something in it for them, then why bother, right:?

To those of you that are still around despite my lack of talk of my vagina, not cybering with you guys and not calling all the time, thanks. Its nice to know that Im at least worth a read now and then. To those of you that are superficial assholes and are only interested in my sex life, or only want me around to make you feel better about your sorry ass selves, fuck off. That isnt friendship, even by internet standards.

Kallista is on her second night in the hospital. After her own Doctor failed to correctly diagnose her (virus, my ass), we ended up in Urgent Care last night. Who ran the correct tests, listened to her complaints, and voila! Kalli has a severe UTI/Kidney Infection. And here we are on night 2 in the hospital. I have left her side for about 2 hours in the past 3 days. And that was to run home and grab clean clothes, shower stuff, and movies for her.

How does this happen? Simple. Holding in her urine when she is having fun instead of taking a break to go potty, not wiping very well, etc. She is probably tired of me being "the wiping police", but hey, dont want her to end up here again.

So, if anyone is looking for me, I'm busy being a mom. I'm rarely answering text messages, because i dont have the time to answer all 8 trillion of them. Same with email. Phone calls? Im so tired of being on my phone that Im ready to permanently turn the ringer off.  I know that pisses people off, but hey, im taking care of my sick daughter. Everyone else has to wait until later. My apologies if that break some rule I'm unaware of, or if people don't get that (most people do get it, and have been awesome about not bothering me constantly).

I'm snippy and stressed out, but hey, at least the people at Urgent Care caught the infection and she is being taken care of. Had we not taken her in and they not run those tests, we would be in big trouble. So while Im stresed to the gills, and all I want is to fall over and cry and hold my baby, im kwwping my game face on.  Right now her temp is back up to 104, and she cant hold anything down because her nurse wrote down the wrong time when she gave her the anti emetic.  But at least she is here, and being treated. And i can talk to the doc and make things ok again.

Owning a business has made me a much better customer. Of course, I also expect more, since I know what is bullshit and what isnt.

But ya know what? People, as customers, can be unreasonable assholes. Can someone explain to me why you would expect a company to change the way it operates, it's policies and procedures, it's contract, etc just for YOU? Can someone tell me why I should risk my business license to cater to someone who cannot understand that i cannot do certain things that I am not licensed for? Why is it ok for people to demand information that makes them feel better, but compromises my personal security and that of my company and employees?

I have one potential client that doesnt understand why I will not give her my SSN so she can  a background check. It isnt that I hve anything to hide, it's that I refuse to give my SSN to a complete stranger. I provided her with my business license numbers, my prc registration, my tax id, numerous references, insurance information, and went over the contract with her, but she has the gall to email my references asking them if they think it is odd that I will not just pass out my SSN to anyone who asks for it. Also, i could go downtown and have a bg check run, but then I'm paying 30 bucks per check, for this woman to hire me. I think not. Not only do I not have the money to go shelling out 60 bucks per potential client, but I am also fully booked and dont have the time. Fucking A, would she ask the plumber for a BG check too?


Then there was the client that wanted to bring her dog to my home, have me walk him, and then wait for her to pick him up. Not only am I way too booked for that shit, but my business license is a home office license, that specifies that I will not have client's animals on the premises. WHen i told her that I am not zoned for that, she sent me seriously rude reply telling me that I am full of shit and there is no zoning law prohibiting me from using my home as a dog daycare. Funny, since the city told me that since I am in a residential area all I can have is the office, and cannot have clients or their pets on premises.

Of course, I am supposed to cave in and cowtow to these people, just to make a buck. Thankfully I'm my own boss, and I make the decisions, and I can refuse to provide service to anyone, thank you very much.

Please people, don't be assholes. Businesses have reasons for having policies and procedures and legal contracts. We have rules that we have to obey as well, and just because I am the owner doesnt mean that I can make the decision to break a law, operate illegally, or place myself in a position of liability just to protect you. If you want to be protected, then well.....dnt you think I want to be protected as well? Why is it ok for you to be totally protected but for me to risk it all just for you to be happy? I dont think customers think of these things.

I can lose my business license for operating outside the scope of licensure. People can take my personal information and use it to commit crimes for which i am forever tied to. My other clients end up with half assed service and their animals end up with half asses care due to waiting around for one person that feels that I should drop everything for them. I am supposed to never charge for having to drive 23 miles to someones home to provide service, I should give discounts for everything under the sun, I should spend 45 minutes on a visit that someone is paying me my 30 min rate for, and never charge more.


If you dont want to deal with a professional, pay for professional care, and be satisfied with references and ID and all that crap, then hire the goddamned kid next door and dont come crying to me when half your shit is missing, your animal is sick and filthy, and your key is missing and your house unlocked.

My daughter is off at camp. We had talked about trying to get her into this camp back in the spring, but Kalli didn't think she would be ready to be away from all of us for 5 days. plus the camp has limited openings and is pricey.

The camp is exclusively for autistic kids between 8 & 13. all ends of the spectrum. there is 1 counselor to 2 kids, and the entire staff is comprised of OT's, ABA therapists, and the like. It's an awesome camp for asd kids.

Last night Kalli's OT called saying they had a last minute opening and a scholarship for kalli. so I packed her up and took her to Camp Rising Sun this morning.

Kalli was so excited that she was up at 6 this morning. Normally it's a fight to get her out of bed!

Anyway... i am as usual lost without her, but she was so happy to be able to go, that i can't help but to be incredibly happy at the same time.

test post from my new windows mobile phone ..
hope this works !

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Just posting a little something while I play with colors....